dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
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“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Lucky old June.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.