dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
You Might Also Like
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable