dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
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Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?