dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
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Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!