Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire