“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
no their not
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat