“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire