Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
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It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.