Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

me 2 months after i graduated

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.