DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
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I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?