Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.