DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
*seductively eats two tums*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?