Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

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Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.


Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.



[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*


i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly


Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.


I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all


With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.


My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.


Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.