@GiggleQueen2018

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

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@paulablu22

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

@abbythetweet

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

@13spencer

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

@ch000ch

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

@craigdtull

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

@MissNaughty1801

I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all

@ClichedOut

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

@Lovestained555

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

@markleggett

Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.