Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

*weighs self after shaving

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!