Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
every man in east london
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
