Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!