Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I’m literally crying
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?