Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
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If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture