Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Guy who likes music

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.