Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
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I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Noted.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple