ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark
Dude: You got a light?
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
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[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo
IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Wife: I better see a diamond this Mother’s Day
Me: say no more *buys baseball tickets*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what