@stephenjmolloy

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

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@OohSnapItsChris

Girls love a mysterious man, shiny things and a good chase. Supposedly that doesn’t mean put on a mask & run after her with a knife.

@jergarl

[praying]

Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
.
.
.

LOL nice

@KalvinMacleod

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

@bsnc64

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

@TheAndrewNadeau

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

@Quartzjixler

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

@MythicPicnic

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

@TheAlexNevil

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.