Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

You Might Also Like


Girls love a mysterious man, shiny things and a good chase. Supposedly that doesn’t mean put on a mask & run after her with a knife.



Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio

LOL nice


[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.


ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken


“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”


The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.


Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.


A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?


*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.