@stephenjmolloy

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

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@KenJennings

ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
1. Mosquitoes
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo

@Tommytoughstuff

IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.

@pittdave13

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

@TheToddWilliams

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: I better see a diamond this Mother’s Day

Me: say no more *buys baseball tickets*

@DevinRange

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

@TheBoydP

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.