Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

No Google it does not

Print is alive and well!!!

My first child will be named New Folder.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

This a good idea

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat