Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

This is my pinned tweet

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.