“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
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Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
You wish you had this many chins.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.