“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100![]()
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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
i want it utterly assaulted.
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interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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Why font matters.
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.