Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

i cant believe ChatGPT lost its job to AI

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.