Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face