Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

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Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.


Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”


[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children


[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET


A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”


I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.


[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it


Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.


I hear Simba’s screams every night.


Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.


That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years