@roxiqt

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

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@Annekinns

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

@hiitsgabrielle

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.

@TheFakeCNN

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

@AndyAsAdjective

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

@NotThatKristi

My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”

@BruceForce

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

@PFTompkins

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

@iwearaonesie

me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*

@ThatBrenna

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

@kelkulus

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.