Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.


Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.


GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.


an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet


My jeans say “no more Christmas goodies” but my leggings are like “we got you, gurrrl”


Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’


Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.


me: Dave’s coming over
wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer?
*Dave walks in wearing an “I Beat Cancer” shirt*


I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.


The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.