Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
S M O L
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
An odd boast