Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years