Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
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lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush