dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.