Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]