Dudes named Chance never had one.
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If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear