Dudes named Chance never had one.
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
The Compass
My five year plan is a meteorite
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good