Dudes named Chance never had one.
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I put the hot in psychotic.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok