Dudes named Chance never had one.
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[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
peak technology
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Grandmother clock.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you