Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you