Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

These aliens are taking forever.

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

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