Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.