Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
You Might Also Like
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
you will never know the true number of layers
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass