Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

good morning

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

BRO LMFAO

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*