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Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.