Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

yeah 😭

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.