Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
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Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin