Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.