Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.