Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
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If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*