Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle