Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
You Might Also Like
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
The little toadstool has spoken.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.