Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
You Might Also Like
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁