Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.