Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
okay run it by me one more time
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”