Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
LMFAOOOO
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.