due date
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Genius idea!!
Noah
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.