Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
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14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I love it
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
