Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
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What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.