Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

Received some very disappointing news today

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure