Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.