Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
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“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
@ candidates for local office
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.