Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.