Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.