Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
🤣
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.