Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

50 shades of grey = my Liver

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.