Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.