It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
That’s amazing.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail