Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

choose your gary

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.