Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?