Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
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Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.