Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Wednesday

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search