Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas