Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

This could be us… but you playing

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

Let’s Go

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

what do you want

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.