Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
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I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Math at Halloween.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries