Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
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Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Probably my best painting.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe