Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
You Might Also Like
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends