due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.