due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.