Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
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imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
beware of dog
(jukin media)
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Look, a pure bread cat!
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.