Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

A double negative is a big no-no.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday