Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
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Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.