Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

fixed it

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys