due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
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My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I think I’m having a stroke
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I have so many questions.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more