due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
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5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’