due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
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Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?