Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
You Might Also Like
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.