Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

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Me: Same

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.